'You Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks'

BUT...you can teach an old dog the same tricks over and over and over and over.

The level of how purely simple minded I am blows me away sometimes. One thing I am learning is that by coming back to DC for a second summer as a cityhost, after having hosted last summer as well as during my spring break, it was easy to fool myself into thinking that I had nothing to learn about hosting this summer. Little did I know...

Last summer, I learned so much. Each day I went to sleep thinking that God had taught me a lesson and made me so much stronger. By the end of last summer, I was convinced that I was a wealth of wisdom. Unfortunately, time happened, and as I am slowly discovering, a lot of the lessons I learned have been pushed to the back of my mind. They have not been permanently erased, just temporarily placed to the side of my memory. The reason I know they have only been pushed to the side, rather than erased is because as this summer is beginning, I am beginning to recall some of the lessons that I learned last summer as I painfully learn them again. My new goal is to retain these lessons, so that I don't have to continue to learn the same tricks over and over and over and over.

This weeks lesson: Give up and let go.

Big Daddy Weave has a song with this exact title. To begin hosting this summer, I have a bit of a difficult group to kick off the season. The youth group leader is uncooperative. They don't make decisions, and they seem to thrive on trying to change the schedule on me. The list goes on, but you get the picture. My natural instinct to a group like this is to try and take control of the situation so that they don't run haywire on me. Unfortunately, they have proven to be a group that cannot be controlled or maintained, despite my futile efforts.

As much as this naturally frustrates me, I can't help but thinking that God is teaching me a LARGE lesson through this group. Having tried to take control, and gloriously failed, my only other reaction is to 'Give up and let go.' Over this past year, I have tried as hard as possible to maintain control in my life so that nothing blows up and becomes a disaster. On the other hand, because I have tried to maintain control, God has not had the opportunity to prove that things can turn out better than I would expect...because that can only happen when He is in control.

It's a little sad to me that I would have to come back to DC in order to learn this lesson. But, it's also such a beautiful reminder to me that God will go to extreme lengths to teach me a lesson...even for the second time. He is so committed to me, that He made sure I came back to DC for the entire summer so that He could teach me lessons that I, quite frankly, don't even deserve to learn from Him. I'm pretty confident that this is not the only lesson that He will teach me this summer. However, even if it were the only lesson He was going to teach me, it would be enough. It amazes me that He is so committed to me that He would bring me down here just to show me He loves me.

Just because I have had to give God complete control of this group does not mean that I have completely broken my habits. I'm still very aware that I am a broken human being and my habits take a lot of time to break. On the bright side, God has kick-started this for me. He has made sure that I was placed in such a situation this week that my only choice would be to give up and give the control to Him. At the very least, I'll walk away with a weeks worth of practice and a blaring reminder that my God loves me and will provide for me.

As for now, I am only halfway through the week with this group (they leave Friday morning). So, I will say that despite already having gone through some difficulties with them, I am so grateful that my God shows His commitment to me in the most peculiar ways, because He is a good God. And right now, I can say without a doubt, because of His goodness to me, He is worthy to be praised :)

Past the Point of No Return

There is a girl I know from Gordon who has an internship in DC (I'm not 'hypothetically talking about myself'). She is interning with a lobbying firm downtown, a block away from K Street, lives in a cute apartment near one of the 'up and coming' neighborhoods and has already found all the hotspots to visit for young adults our age in the city, specifically DuPont Circle. When I met up with her the other day, I couldn't help but thinking that she was 'doing it right.' She's living the life in DC, and it looks so successful to everyone around us...including the people at Gordon.

Then, there's me. I'm living in a rundown church, in an overcrowded space with 7 strangers. I'm going to be lucky if I shower once a day and will be surrounded by 13-18 year olds 24 hours a day, 6 days a week. My favorite people to talk to are homeless, and I can list most statistics anyone may want to know about gentrification in the nations capital. The housing site I hope to live in is located in the neighborhood that has the highest crime rate in DC.

BUT...there's moment's like today where I realize that I wouldn't trade anything about my summer for the world. As we were practicing the prayer tour today, something clicked in me. One of the first neighborhoods we drive through in the prayer tour is DuPont circle. Last summer, there was a man I loved to visit at one of our soup kitchens called Charlie's Place. His name was Champ, he's in his late 60's and used to teach me how to cook because he was a chef for 30 years before he became homeless. When I drive through DuPont, I always think of Champ, and I always look at Charlie's Place.

The next neighborhood we drive through is a street downtown called K Street. K Street is known for two things. It is where most of the lobbying in DC takes place. It is also a street that is known throughout the east coast for it's sex-trafficking. People have been known to drive from hours away to participate in the underground trafficking that takes place on K Street. Because of the Prayer Tour, I have come to consider K Street and sex-trafficking as synonymous.

Where am I going with this? The girl from my school is essentially living 'the life' and becoming successful. She has plans to stay in DC, live here and continue with the track she's on. She will most likely get a job with the lobbying firm she's working for and end up achieving the goals she has set for herself. Part of me, if I'm being completely honest, can't help but be jealous. That life has the clothes, the house, the money and the lifestyle. Why wouldn't I want that?

THEN...there's a side of me that reminds me that I can't ignore the knowledge I have gained through CSM. Even if I were to work in a lobbying firm, I would never be able to enjoy it with the innocence of not knowing about K St. Even if I were to go out every weekend at DuPont Circle, I would always wonder if I was walking by Champ. Now that I have this knowledge and wisdom from CSM, I can never act or live like I don't know it. If I'm being (again) completely honest with myself, as much as part of me wishes I could live the high life in DC, I wouldn't trade what I have. Even if I am living with teens all summer, I am praying for K Street and I'm not showering, I wouldn't trade it, because with that knowledge comes experiences and relationships that I could never have if I wasn't working for CSM.

So, what have I learned? I love my job, and although it doesn't look glamorous, I wouldn't trade it for the world because what I have learned has impacted me so deeply that I can't ignore it or ever live the way I did before this job.

Dear Jesus,

Dear Jesus,
As my night is winding down, thank you. Thank you that you know where I'm out. Thank you for bringing me to Food and Friends today. Thank you for letting the staff and I sing while we worked...we both know that was a miracle in itself. Thank you for how much I enjoyed serving with Food and Friends and Les and the whole summer staff. Thank you for the lemon cake they gave us, and thank you for letting us sing on the car ride back to lunch. Thank you for giving us an hour's rest for lunch...you know I needed it more than anything. Thank you for letting the staff plan worship. Thank you for me being assigned to pray during worship nights...how cool is my job? Thank you that I will be able to pray for others as they learn how to worship you. Thank you for letting Cradler's prepare me for my job this summer, and for letting my job this summer prepare me for Cradler's in the fall. Thank you for Pinkberry. It's yummy :) Thank you for letting Sarah come visit our staff. I like her, and she was great to get to know better. Thank you for letting me rest. Thank you for worship time with the staff. Thank you for letting Zac lead us tirelessly. Thank you for the peace I felt. Thank you for Ashley's courage to tackle worship night. Thank you for the prayers of my co-workers. Thank you for knowing where I'm at. Thank you for calling me your portion. If I'm enough for you, you must be MORE than enough for me. Thank you for letting worship continue. Thank you for keeping my family safe in the tornadoes. Thank you for letting me rest before bed. Thank you for being a place where I can rest. Most of all, thank you for creating me to know how to thank you for all the blessings you pour on me in a day.
Love ya :)
Steph

Happy Birthday!! :)

This morning, the staff went to volunteer at one of the partners we have in DC that we will be bringing groups to on a consistent basis this summer. Food and Friends serves 1.400 clients who have been diagnosed with any sort of terminal disease. The organization started by providing meals to individuals affected by HIV/AIDS, and as time has progressed and the organization has developed, they have expanded to include other diseases, such as cancer.

I love Food and Friends. Typically, as a CSM host, when I bring groups to Food and Friends, I don't have the ability to volunteer in the kitchen because I have to bring a driver around DC, Maryland or Virginia to deliver meals that have already been prepared to clients. Today, because we didn't go with a youth group, our staff got to volunteer in the kitchen.

My task was to work with Kat and Ashley to put together meals that will be delivered tomorrow. Even though I was paired with Kat and Ashley, the whole staff was working together around one large table. The Food and Friends employee who was working with us was named Les. As Les was walking away, he told us that if any of the bags we were putting together had the words "B-Day Cake" on them, we were to grab him, and he would add a birthday cake into that individuals bag with a drawing from a student.

My first reaction was probably expected: I love birthdays. This meant that for each piece of cake we packaged, we not only wished that person a "Happy Birthday" but sang to them, despite their not being present. I thought it was so sweet to celebrate these clients birthdays. My second reaction ran a little deeper. I had forgotten that each individual who we were preparing a meal for has been diagnosed with a disease that is slowly and usually painfully, killing them. The fact that these individuals will be celebrating their lives through their birthdays, and the fact that Food and Friends is encouraging them speaks to much louder than a mere piece of cake. Food and Friends is reminding their clients that they are still alive and worth celebrating. They clients they have are still valuable and even though they are dying, they have not died, in fact, they're still very living. To be able to participate in providing these individuals with a cake to remind these clients that they have lived for another year was such a blessing. As someone who LOVES birthdays, I loved even more the fact that we got to celebrate the birthdays of each of these clients.

'Come to Me'

Matthew 11:28 reads, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest"

This was one of those 'cliche' Christian verses I had memorize when I was growing up. Because it was such a cliche verse for me, I never took it seriously, but I can recite it at the drop of a dime. I remember growing up and being constantly reminded that if I were tired, all I had to do was go to God and He would let me rest.

In all honesty, looking back, I had no clue what that meant. Fortunately, the older I get, the more He teaches me (as if I'm getting more mature...), and this week He taught me about this verse.

This past semester at school has been wonderful, and God has found ways for himself to be glorified that I never could have foreseen. He has answered prayers and faithfully made sure that I made it through. On the flip side, it has been a really difficult semester. I have seen a lot of relationships tried, and some of them have not made it through the semester with me. Being a relationally-oriented person, this has been really difficult for me, and my mentor can attest to how many tears have been shed on my part.

Because this past semester has been so difficult, I have felt too tired at times to 'go' to God. It's not that I have been neglecting Him. I still pray. I still listen to my worship music when I get ready in the morning. It has just been more to keep me afloat than to let me dive in and go deeper (not to overkill the cheesy Christian metaphor of diving in :)

Coming into DC, this is where my faith was at. I had approximately 72 hours to get home, finish a paper, pack and be in DC, so processing my semester was not a luxury I could afford. I didn't know if I was ready for my job this summer, and to be completely honest, I was too tired to 'go to Him.'

During our training, I sent out a couple of prayers, nothing too 'deep.' However, God showed me through this couple of prayers, that in His faithfulness, when I'm too tired, He will come to me. I prayed one night for Him to show me one night that I am loved...so the next morning we were led in a devotion about the love of God having no bounds. I prayed for energy because I was exhausted, so the next day I was wasn't tired.

I know they're such small prayer requests, and they're easy for God to answer, but the point is He still did. He was faithful to me, even when I was weak. His strength came through and all I can do is thank Him for that. God showed me this week that when I chose to rely on Him, He will do anything He can to show me He loves me...including come to me. All in all, I can't complain, it was a great lesson to learn as I kick off the summer :)

I'M BACK! :)

First off, I'm back! I mean that in a couple of ways. Yes, I'm back to blogging. I'm also back in DC. It's a long story, but if I want to be completely honest, it's not that complicated...God wanted me back, so He made sure I got here. Now that I am here, I'm already learning more than I was planning on learning. So, in my traditional blogging fashion, please let me share :)

Today, for our staff training, we had to experience the Urban Plunge. If you don't know what it is, I explained it in more detail in my blog entry about the Urban Plunge last year. It's still in my archive's :)

This year, for the Urban Plunge, I was partnered with Taylor and Kat...and we were assigned to the same location in the city that I was assigned to last year. Once I (yet again), got over my fear of experiencing the Urban Plunge, Taylor, Kat and I made it to McPherson Square. One of the reasons that we went to McPherson...despite having been assigned to Franklin, was because I learned last year that one of our ministry sites, Martha's Table, serves food at McPherson Square every night. While we were waiting for Martha's Table to arrive, we noticed a women (Linda), feeding a lot of ducks in the park with some bread she had. We approached her, asking if she knew when Martha's table was coming. After that point, she carried the conversation for the following hour and a half.

In her story, we met her boyfriend, Kevin and heard all about their life stories. Linda experienced so much loss in her life it was amazing she could still function. Her mom died at a young age. Her sister died when Linda was 14, one of her grandmothers died when she was 18 and the other grandmother had been stabbed to death by her grandfather before Linda was born. She had divorced her first husband because he was addicted to cocaine and had taken her money. She is in the process of divorcing her second husband because, despite being blind, he was abusive towards her. She has cerebral palsy and is experiencing PTSD, after having witnessed a man commit suicide by jumping in front of a train that she was sitting in the front seat of.

Kevin's story is just as disturbing. He was abused by his stepfather growing up, and has metal plates in the back of his head to prove it. Eventually, his stepfather was in a fight with his mom, when he hit her, cracking her cheeckbone in and sending her towards the floor. His mom died on impact. Out of anger, Kevin ran to the neighbors house, grabbed a gun and shot his stepfather, paralyzing him. He turned himself in and was sentenced to 15 years in jail, but was released on probation after 3 1/2 years after having experienced severe abuse in jail. He was has since come to DC and is enrolled in therapy, but has been mugged too many times for his liking, and is waiting for Linda to move to North Carolina with him.

As Linda and Kevin were telling us this story, I noticed two things. First of all, I laughed so hard with them that my cheeks hurt. They were absolutely hysterical and had so much joy when they talked about their life together. Secondly, I noticed that I was continually caught off guard with how many people walked by Kevin, Linda, Taylor, Kat and I as we were hearing these stories...simply because they didn't see us.

Genesis 16:13 has one of my favorite passages in scripture. In it, Hagar names God el roi, because He is the God who sees her. All I could think as these strangers were passing by us was, this summer, I have the unique opportunity to see the way that el roi sees. I am actually being paid to see those who think that they cannot be seen, and through this small action, I am acting out the image of God that He has placed in me. One of the traits of himself that He has decided to embed in me is to see those who think that they are not seen, and in this action, I am testifying to the truth of el roi.

My prayer as this summer kicks off is that I would experience my own sort of PTSD...similar to was Linda was talking about, but in a less severe context. In describing her PTSD, Linda was explaining to us how she walks around haunted by the face of the man who committed suicide, because his hurt is an image she cannot erase. My prayer is I would walk around, long after my time in DC, with my memory being embedded with the faces of those I interact with. As I see their hurt, I pray that I would be haunted by their faces so that I can remember that in the midst of their stress, God sees them...just like He will see me as I encounter distress and hurt in the future. I know that for this season, I am being called to be a reminder that the people I talk to are loved by a God of strength who fights them. I hope that as I live out this season, I will be able to remember that I am loved by a God who sees me just as clearly as He sees those that He loves right now.

Lessons From a Homeless Couple

Right before some of our staff started to leave this summer, we went out for a great dinner in Chinatown to celebrate our time together as a group before our summer closed down. We all understood that it was one of our last times together, and halfway through our dinner we wound up playing 'Remember when...'

In remember when, we reminisced on our best memories of our 3 months in DC. Halfway through this dinner, we all ended up laughing as we recalled the absurd events (stolen vans?) that we had survived this past summer. It was a great way for me to recall memories I had forgotten. Because it was so helpful, I have found myself playing it frequently since I've gotten home. Let me share an example of an event this summer I just 'remembered when...'

One of the last sites I got to serve at was S.O.M.E (so others might eat). I loved S.O.M.E and have blogged about it before because it was so influential in shaping my perspective on homelessness. The last lesson that S.O.M.E taught me came from a homeless couple who I met while they were eating breakfast together.

As we were cleaning, I couldn't help but notice this specific couple. They both had grey hair and I couldn't help but notice that they were more concerned with looking at each other than they were with eating the food placed in front of them. There was something about the way that they looked at each other that made me feel like I was invading their privacy, despite their being in a room with 160 other people.

I skated around them (awkwardly, I might add) for about 5 minutes, as I debated whether or not it would be completely inappropriate for me to approach them and spark a conversation, because I was completely drawn to them.

Eventually, I gathered the guts, sat down across the table from them and introduced myself. They were both polite, and answered every question I threw at them (trust me, there were a lot of questions). I wanted to know how long they had been married, when they had met, and how they could still be so clearly in love.

I eventually found out that she was from West Virginia, and he was from North Carolina. She had fled to DC and become homeless as a result of an abusive relationship. He was very vague in explaining to me how he ended up in DC, so I didn't probe too far. They weren't married, but they had known each other for awhile.

The more questions I asked, the less they paid attention to me. They answered my questions, but they only did so as they balanced looking back at the other person and eating their meal. When they spoke, they started to answer my questions and wouldn't finish their response to me until they each had a nod of encouragement from the other person.

As I got up and politely excused myself from the conversation, I walked away more confused than when I had entered. I walked away realizing a key lesson that I am so glad I learned this summer.

Even though they were homeless, they had something I didn't have.

It was so easy to go about my job this summer thinking, "I have so many ways that I can help these people." Categorizing homeless people into 'these' was bad enough. Thinking that we could only have a one way relationship, where I taught them was the icing on the cake. I learned from this couple that even though I could offer them a meal in the morning, they still had something that I didn't have and couldn't offer to them. This couple was so clearly in love, that any child would take a glance at them and accuse them of having cooties. This man and women had found someone who would go through life with them, no matter the circumstances...including being homeless.

Watching the way they looked at each other, I wanted what they had, and I couldn't get it. Realizing this automatically dignified them as people with resources that I didn't have. Being reminded of this lesson was such a great 'remember when' as I go about re-entering into my life at home :)