'Come to Me'

Matthew 11:28 reads, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest"

This was one of those 'cliche' Christian verses I had memorize when I was growing up. Because it was such a cliche verse for me, I never took it seriously, but I can recite it at the drop of a dime. I remember growing up and being constantly reminded that if I were tired, all I had to do was go to God and He would let me rest.

In all honesty, looking back, I had no clue what that meant. Fortunately, the older I get, the more He teaches me (as if I'm getting more mature...), and this week He taught me about this verse.

This past semester at school has been wonderful, and God has found ways for himself to be glorified that I never could have foreseen. He has answered prayers and faithfully made sure that I made it through. On the flip side, it has been a really difficult semester. I have seen a lot of relationships tried, and some of them have not made it through the semester with me. Being a relationally-oriented person, this has been really difficult for me, and my mentor can attest to how many tears have been shed on my part.

Because this past semester has been so difficult, I have felt too tired at times to 'go' to God. It's not that I have been neglecting Him. I still pray. I still listen to my worship music when I get ready in the morning. It has just been more to keep me afloat than to let me dive in and go deeper (not to overkill the cheesy Christian metaphor of diving in :)

Coming into DC, this is where my faith was at. I had approximately 72 hours to get home, finish a paper, pack and be in DC, so processing my semester was not a luxury I could afford. I didn't know if I was ready for my job this summer, and to be completely honest, I was too tired to 'go to Him.'

During our training, I sent out a couple of prayers, nothing too 'deep.' However, God showed me through this couple of prayers, that in His faithfulness, when I'm too tired, He will come to me. I prayed one night for Him to show me one night that I am loved...so the next morning we were led in a devotion about the love of God having no bounds. I prayed for energy because I was exhausted, so the next day I was wasn't tired.

I know they're such small prayer requests, and they're easy for God to answer, but the point is He still did. He was faithful to me, even when I was weak. His strength came through and all I can do is thank Him for that. God showed me this week that when I chose to rely on Him, He will do anything He can to show me He loves me...including come to me. All in all, I can't complain, it was a great lesson to learn as I kick off the summer :)

I'M BACK! :)

First off, I'm back! I mean that in a couple of ways. Yes, I'm back to blogging. I'm also back in DC. It's a long story, but if I want to be completely honest, it's not that complicated...God wanted me back, so He made sure I got here. Now that I am here, I'm already learning more than I was planning on learning. So, in my traditional blogging fashion, please let me share :)

Today, for our staff training, we had to experience the Urban Plunge. If you don't know what it is, I explained it in more detail in my blog entry about the Urban Plunge last year. It's still in my archive's :)

This year, for the Urban Plunge, I was partnered with Taylor and Kat...and we were assigned to the same location in the city that I was assigned to last year. Once I (yet again), got over my fear of experiencing the Urban Plunge, Taylor, Kat and I made it to McPherson Square. One of the reasons that we went to McPherson...despite having been assigned to Franklin, was because I learned last year that one of our ministry sites, Martha's Table, serves food at McPherson Square every night. While we were waiting for Martha's Table to arrive, we noticed a women (Linda), feeding a lot of ducks in the park with some bread she had. We approached her, asking if she knew when Martha's table was coming. After that point, she carried the conversation for the following hour and a half.

In her story, we met her boyfriend, Kevin and heard all about their life stories. Linda experienced so much loss in her life it was amazing she could still function. Her mom died at a young age. Her sister died when Linda was 14, one of her grandmothers died when she was 18 and the other grandmother had been stabbed to death by her grandfather before Linda was born. She had divorced her first husband because he was addicted to cocaine and had taken her money. She is in the process of divorcing her second husband because, despite being blind, he was abusive towards her. She has cerebral palsy and is experiencing PTSD, after having witnessed a man commit suicide by jumping in front of a train that she was sitting in the front seat of.

Kevin's story is just as disturbing. He was abused by his stepfather growing up, and has metal plates in the back of his head to prove it. Eventually, his stepfather was in a fight with his mom, when he hit her, cracking her cheeckbone in and sending her towards the floor. His mom died on impact. Out of anger, Kevin ran to the neighbors house, grabbed a gun and shot his stepfather, paralyzing him. He turned himself in and was sentenced to 15 years in jail, but was released on probation after 3 1/2 years after having experienced severe abuse in jail. He was has since come to DC and is enrolled in therapy, but has been mugged too many times for his liking, and is waiting for Linda to move to North Carolina with him.

As Linda and Kevin were telling us this story, I noticed two things. First of all, I laughed so hard with them that my cheeks hurt. They were absolutely hysterical and had so much joy when they talked about their life together. Secondly, I noticed that I was continually caught off guard with how many people walked by Kevin, Linda, Taylor, Kat and I as we were hearing these stories...simply because they didn't see us.

Genesis 16:13 has one of my favorite passages in scripture. In it, Hagar names God el roi, because He is the God who sees her. All I could think as these strangers were passing by us was, this summer, I have the unique opportunity to see the way that el roi sees. I am actually being paid to see those who think that they cannot be seen, and through this small action, I am acting out the image of God that He has placed in me. One of the traits of himself that He has decided to embed in me is to see those who think that they are not seen, and in this action, I am testifying to the truth of el roi.

My prayer as this summer kicks off is that I would experience my own sort of PTSD...similar to was Linda was talking about, but in a less severe context. In describing her PTSD, Linda was explaining to us how she walks around haunted by the face of the man who committed suicide, because his hurt is an image she cannot erase. My prayer is I would walk around, long after my time in DC, with my memory being embedded with the faces of those I interact with. As I see their hurt, I pray that I would be haunted by their faces so that I can remember that in the midst of their stress, God sees them...just like He will see me as I encounter distress and hurt in the future. I know that for this season, I am being called to be a reminder that the people I talk to are loved by a God of strength who fights them. I hope that as I live out this season, I will be able to remember that I am loved by a God who sees me just as clearly as He sees those that He loves right now.

Lessons From a Homeless Couple

Right before some of our staff started to leave this summer, we went out for a great dinner in Chinatown to celebrate our time together as a group before our summer closed down. We all understood that it was one of our last times together, and halfway through our dinner we wound up playing 'Remember when...'

In remember when, we reminisced on our best memories of our 3 months in DC. Halfway through this dinner, we all ended up laughing as we recalled the absurd events (stolen vans?) that we had survived this past summer. It was a great way for me to recall memories I had forgotten. Because it was so helpful, I have found myself playing it frequently since I've gotten home. Let me share an example of an event this summer I just 'remembered when...'

One of the last sites I got to serve at was S.O.M.E (so others might eat). I loved S.O.M.E and have blogged about it before because it was so influential in shaping my perspective on homelessness. The last lesson that S.O.M.E taught me came from a homeless couple who I met while they were eating breakfast together.

As we were cleaning, I couldn't help but notice this specific couple. They both had grey hair and I couldn't help but notice that they were more concerned with looking at each other than they were with eating the food placed in front of them. There was something about the way that they looked at each other that made me feel like I was invading their privacy, despite their being in a room with 160 other people.

I skated around them (awkwardly, I might add) for about 5 minutes, as I debated whether or not it would be completely inappropriate for me to approach them and spark a conversation, because I was completely drawn to them.

Eventually, I gathered the guts, sat down across the table from them and introduced myself. They were both polite, and answered every question I threw at them (trust me, there were a lot of questions). I wanted to know how long they had been married, when they had met, and how they could still be so clearly in love.

I eventually found out that she was from West Virginia, and he was from North Carolina. She had fled to DC and become homeless as a result of an abusive relationship. He was very vague in explaining to me how he ended up in DC, so I didn't probe too far. They weren't married, but they had known each other for awhile.

The more questions I asked, the less they paid attention to me. They answered my questions, but they only did so as they balanced looking back at the other person and eating their meal. When they spoke, they started to answer my questions and wouldn't finish their response to me until they each had a nod of encouragement from the other person.

As I got up and politely excused myself from the conversation, I walked away more confused than when I had entered. I walked away realizing a key lesson that I am so glad I learned this summer.

Even though they were homeless, they had something I didn't have.

It was so easy to go about my job this summer thinking, "I have so many ways that I can help these people." Categorizing homeless people into 'these' was bad enough. Thinking that we could only have a one way relationship, where I taught them was the icing on the cake. I learned from this couple that even though I could offer them a meal in the morning, they still had something that I didn't have and couldn't offer to them. This couple was so clearly in love, that any child would take a glance at them and accuse them of having cooties. This man and women had found someone who would go through life with them, no matter the circumstances...including being homeless.

Watching the way they looked at each other, I wanted what they had, and I couldn't get it. Realizing this automatically dignified them as people with resources that I didn't have. Being reminded of this lesson was such a great 'remember when' as I go about re-entering into my life at home :)

The Best Leaders Were Broken

Now that I'm back home, I've been lucky enough to think over my summer and process some of the little things that I learned during my time in DC. One distinct trait I observed this summer was that all of my favorite groups had very broken leaders. Let me explain :)

Over the course of the summer, I had a smorgasbord of youth groups with an innumerable amount of different pasts. I had leaders from all over America...Kansas, Indiana, Texas, Long Island, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Virginia and Maryland. I might be forgetting a few. Needless to say, they came from everywhere. Each group was different. Some were homeschooled, some went to public school, some attended private schools. Some came from rural areas, some from urban areas, most came from the suburbs. Some had seen the ocean, some hadn't. Some had been to the nations capital, some hadn't. You get the picture.

It was a common recurrence for my groups to have leaders open up about coming from very difficult pasts. One leader was sexually assaulted, as an adult. One leader had a homeless father who he had only maintained scattered communication with up until his father passed away. One leader group up in the slums of inner city Atlanta. One leader came to America from Argentina and spoke perfect English because he had been so regularly beaten up in grade school for being 'too spanish.' The list goes on.

The more time that I got to spend with these specific leaders, the more I was drawn to them. Because of my job, I was only allowed the privilege of entering these leaders lives for a week at a time. The more time that I spent with each leader the more in awe of each individual I was. I saw each leader serve as a strong leader to their youth groups. None of them let the brokenness of their past define them. They instead let the victory of Christ proving himself in the midst of difficult circumstances define them. It was interesting to me that as each adult told me their stories, they spoke openly of their brokenness but they emphasized how God used that brokenness to shape them as the most important part of their story.

What did I learn? It's beautiful in its simplicity: no matter what I go through, I will take my brokenness and allow Jesus to be glorified in it, so that when others meet me they can see my story as a testament to the glory of God, just as these leaders did to me.

I Don't Want the Stink to Leave

To start off, I must first apologize to myself, and anyone crazy enough to be following this blog. Now that I'm heading home, hopefully I can get back in the swing of things :)

Today, I get to go back to Massachusetts. I have never felt more emotionally confused than right now. I am living in two emotional extremes. I am absolutely thrilled to go back home and see my family, as well as my friends. On the other hand, I am disturbed at the idea of having to leave my new home in Washington DC.

As I was beginning to prepare to leave, I was trying to think of the best way that I can describe why I don't want to leave. As I was thinking, I had a memory from this summer flash through my mind. Let me tell you the story of Megan :)

Megan is the blonde in this picture on the right. She was in one of my groups this summer, and their group had been scheduled to work at Kids Konnection, the VBS site that CSM partners with. If your group works with Kids Konnection, it is just understood that you will be hands-on with the kids at this site. These kids want to be held, played with and hugged. They love playing with blonde hair, because it's 'barbie doll hair' and it can be played with easily.

While this group was working at this specific Kids Konnection site in a neighborhood called Woodland Terrace, Megan had one of the kids just love on her. This little girl was focused in on Megan and just wanted Megan to hold her. Needless to say, Megan complied, because, who doesn't want to be loved by a little kid? Eventually, it came time to bring the kids back to their homes, so Megan carried this little girl back home.

When everyone returned from dropping off the kids, we piled into the cars to head to Union Station for our next activity. As we were getting into the cars, I heard Megan say, 'Ew! I stink!' I was a bit confused. We were with a group on a missions trip, by nature of a missions trip, we all stink. So, I turned around and asked her what she meant.

She pointed to her chest and said that her shirt stunk. So, I pressed and asked her what she smelled like. She said that the little girl that Megan had been holding had fallen asleep on Megan and rested her head on Megan. Megan explained that the girl little had smelled and her smell now permeated Megan's shirt. I smiled and turned around, continuing to give directions.

As we continued driving, we arrived at Union Station and could not find a parking spot. An hour and a half later, we were finally parked. Welcome to DC driving with out-of-state drivers :) As we were getting out, I heard Megan yet again, make a remark about the stink on her shirt.

As she complained, I started to think about the entire situation, and look for the teaching moment, because I knew there had to be one there. Finally, I talked to Megan and I got it.

Megan had reached out to this little girl in an act of compassion and loved on her. As she reached out to this little girl, this little girl had responded by (literally) rubbing off on Megan. As Megan had left the situation that this girl lives in, this girl had literally made such an impression on Megan that Megan couldn't get rid of her. No matter what Megan did over that hour and a half, she couldn't get rid of the stink of this little girl.

I explained to Megan that she needed to think of this stink in the bigger picture. I told her that she needed to realize that this stink was a good thing because it meant that she had worked that day, and let her experience in DC permeate her. I went on to explain that she should hope that when she goes back she should stink of DC and her time here. If she truly lived up her time on this trip, she would not be able to get rid of her stink of DC no matter how hard she tried when she went home.

My hopes as I go home are that I would so stink of DC that I would not be able to get rid of the 'scent' it has left on me. My hope is that no matter how hard I may push to blend in back home, I would be so permeated with DC that I would not be able to shake it off.

Let's see how I can smell :)

Dangit God

Last Thursday, I woke up and had a wonderful devotion. As I read from Colossians, I was hit with the realization that I need to be willing to give God 100% of who I am. Everything from being mentally tuned into God to be excited about the work he is doing to my having a willing spirit for whatever the work he has prepared for me may be. It served as the perfect foundation for the lesson I was about to learn that day.

Speed up a couple hours to my group participating in the Urban Plunge. They had from 9-1 to walk around assigned parts of the city and interact with homeless people that they would typically walk by without giving a second glance to. The Urban Plunge is typically the highlight of a lot of people's weeks, and my group this week was wonderful so I was excited for them to have this experience.

At the same time that I was preparing my group for their Urban Plunge, I was getting ready to go hang out with Champ. If you've read my Mom's blog, you'll know that Champ is a guy that I have grown to love at Charlie's Place. He was a chef for 35 years and is homeless now. He's so fun to talk to, and is incredible at maintaining a positive attitude.

I knew that I was not scheduled to work at Charlie's Place for breakfast last week, so I wasn't supposed to see him. I also knew that from the couple of times we've talked, he told me that he can usually be found in Dupont Circle. I decided that since I had 4 hours, I could hop over to Dupont Circle and see if Champ wanted to grab a cup of coffee.

The most interesting part of this, is that the closer that it came for me to go and visit Champ, the more reluctant I was to follow through on my commitment. I did not tell him that I was going to stop by and say hi, so I had no accountability. I was just going to stop by because I wasn't going to be able to see him that week.

Regardless, the closer I got, the more excuses I had to not go see him...'it might rain, maybe I shouldn't go'...'he's probably not even going to be there, it's a waste of time'...'i don't want to bother him if he is there' The list was endless. However, I pushed through, got on the metro, and got off at Dupont. By the time I was actually at Dupont Circle and looking for Champ, my attitude had taken a 180 degree turn and I was so excited to see him. As I circled Dupont Circle twice, and waited, Champ did not show. My only logical explanation is that he had somewhere he had to be...I know he's been applying for jobs recently.

As I waited for a couple minutes to see if Champ would come, I found that I ended up being so disappointed that he wasn't there, so I hopped back on the metro and went to do a devotion at Ebenezers. At Ebenezers, I saw the small group coordinator from NCC and ended up having an incredible conversation, that re-charged me enough to easily get through the rest of the week.

What am I getting at? I WANTED to go see Champ. That's why I had the idea in the first place. I was sad that I wasn't going to see him last week, so I was determined to try and say hi. When it came time to put my word to the test, I failed. I went, but I was reluctant, so I wouldn't count myself as succeeding. Success would have come with a joyful heart. But, by the time I got there, I was so excited that I wanted to carry through my original plan. God didn't want me to be at Dupont all morning, because he had a great conversation planned for me at Ebenezers. He just wanted me to be WILLING to go through with my original idea.

As a result, I have learned that I won't accomplish everything that I plan in my days. I just need to be WILLING to do it all, with a joyful attitude. God will have me do what he wants me to do. That day, he had me experience a wonderful conversation in a coffee shop. He just didn't let it happen until AFTER I had been willing enough to go and visit Champ. From now on, I need to be ready to be willing :)

The Washington Monument and The Bureau of Engravings

Last week, my family came to visit me in DC. It was easily one of the biggest highlights of my summer. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I actually saw them. While they were here, my CSM staff was amazingly gracious. They did everything they could to let me spend as much time as possible with my family, and I am so grateful to them for that.

On the Friday afternoon that Mom, Dad, Bekah and Matthew were here, Rita and Ashley were particularly gracious to me. Ashley and I were co-hosting and were scheduled to be at a VBS site in the afternoon. Instead, Rita substituted that 'shift' (even though it's really not a shift because I LOVE my job) for me so that I could go and hang out with my family.

While I was with my family, we decided to do the 'tourist thing.' Dad was awesome and woke up really early to get us tickets to the Washington Monument, as well as the Bureau of Engravings. I have been to the Bureau of Engravings before, but this was my first venture into the Washington Monument.

As we took the elevator up the 555 feet to the top of the Washington Monument, I was antsy to see the view, to say the least. Once we were at the top, the whole family played out each of our personalities to a T. Mom got off the elevator to go and take some incredible pictures. Once she was done, she patiently waited for the rest of us at the elevator as we mozied around. Dad floated between Bekah, Matthew and I and was able to explain those little details that nobody remembers, but everyone loves to know. He is an endless fountain of trivia. Matthew stuck around with me and we talked and looked over the whole city.

When Matthew and I were looking around, he patiently listened as I told him all of the buildings I saw. As I was talking to Matthew, I realized that buildings that I were pointing out. I wasn't showing Matthew the Capitol, the White House, or the Smithsonians. I acknowledged them, but I didn't spend time dwelling on them in my observations. I pointed out Anacostia to him. I also showed him Saint Elizabeths (the retired mental institution in South East). I showed him where I go to church every week. I also showed him a couple of the ministry sites I work at with my groups.

Later that night, when I was thinking about the view that I had seen earlier that day, I realized that I actually SEE the city differently, and my time at the monument symbolized it perfectly. When I thought of DC in the beginning of the summer, I saw the White House, the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, the Capitol Building and Capitol Hill. Now that I live here, and have formed relationships, it is the people that I see instead of the buildings. I see Anacostia because that is where Jawan, Travan, G, Faith, Destiny, Raven, Marvin, and Alex all live. I see Saint Elizabeths because it is across the street from my favorite housing site. And I see our ministry locations because those are the places that offer smiles to me that make my days better.

It is nothing against tourism. If anything, it is only a change in myself. But, this change is a change I wouldn't trade for the world. I love these places because they are so filled with life. And they are filled to the point that they overflow and have changed me enough that I will never see this city the same again :)