For anyone that has been reading my blog...I apologize ahead of time for this post. I don't have any 'deep thoughts' or observations to record and share today. I had originally intended for this blog to be a sort of online journal, where I could sort out my thoughts...which is what I will do today :) If you care to venture into my mind with me, and are brave enough to try to follow my train of thoughts, I have to give you the appropriate kudos.
For my devotions today, I read Exodus 33:12-20. I didn't have any sort of pre-written devotional to guide me through this time. To begin, I was interested in reading a passage that demonstrated a biblical figure who struggled with following the ways of the Lord. When I looked in the index, I discovered this passage in Exodus. It was nothing complicated. This passage just seemed to be a small passage that I could read, pray over and (attempt to) learn from.
Before I share what I learned, let me provide a background to where I was coming from, for my own memories sake. Anyone that knows me, know that I have ALWAYS loved the idea of marriage. Ever since I was little, I have always wanted to be married and be a wife. I know how stereotypical, 'christian-girl' this sounds. Regardless of whether I am only fueling the stereotype or not, I can always remember wanting to be married. Yes, I dream about my wedding day. Even more than my wedding day, I dream about the regularity of marriage. I know that marriage is difficult, complicated, hard and tiring. Yes, for some reason, I can't resist the desire to be married. I can not wait to find 'that person' and to have someone to share my every day with. That deep friendship, partnership and comradery is something that I have always looked forward to.
The flip side to this is that it carries with it my biggest fear. This may sound shallow, but my biggest fear is that there isn't going to be anyone who will want to love me. In every other area of my life, I have always been able to trust that God will provide. For some reason, I still have this underlying fear that I will be left by myself.
I typically do not share this fear because I feel young and quite frankly, stupid vocalizing this fear. The reason I am thinking about it now is because one of the interns at a ministry site that CSM partners with has recently started calling me out. I never spoke of this fear to anyone on staff, and most certainly not this intern. Yet, as I worked with them every day last week they persisted in approaching me and telling me that they 'felt I was afraid of not finding someone who would love me.' I'm still not sure how I feel...to be honest, it creeped me out a little. And despite my efforts to dismiss them, or tell them they were crazy, they persisted. At the very least, I caved in and agreed to at least think through this fear.
With this basis, I read Exodus 33. It is aptly titled "Moses and the Glory of the LORD." In this selection, the verses that resonated with me were 12-14. In 12, Moses is having a discussion with the Lord. He speaks to the Lord and vocalizes that he is troubled because he knows that he has found favor with the Lord. Despite this favor, he still does not know who the Lord wants to send with Moses on his journey. In verse 14, the Lord responds by saying that "My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest"
This verse may not sound like a clear cut answer to my fear. Yet, it addressed my fears enough that I can comfortably say that I have peace. Right now, I do not know when I will date. The only thing I know for sure is that I am supposed to be in DC. Yet, I can relate with Moses enough that I am brought peace. I know that I am living in the plans the Lord has carved for my life. I know that everyday, I am intentionally pursuing a relationship with my God. I am also sure that God knows the desires he has placed in my heart. Because he is a loving God, he will not deny me those desires, he will just let them happen in his timing. The Lord's presence will go with me. I am confident of that. And just as Moses showed that the Lords presence was his rest, I can live confidently knowing that the Lord's presence is my rest as well.
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